TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE SURGERY

Rod holding Sam the day before surgery.....

Sam and his brothers the night before his surgery....this would be the last time I held him for awhile.


Sam spent his first week in the NICU just getting stronger and better. Always in the back of my mind was the open-heart surgery still to come. I was terrified and I was also trying to have faith that God was in control of this whole situation and no matter what happened Sam was in good hands. We fianlly got word that Sam's surgery was scheduled for Sept 1, 2000. I was excited and scared at the same time. I just wanted the surgery overwith and every day that went by was another day that I wasn't able to hold sam.
On August 30th one of Sam's doctors came by....Dr Burne and said Sam was very stable...this was music to my ears. He also said that the surgery likely wasn't going to happen untill the following monday. I was very upset and crying. The emmotional rollercoaster that you are on can be too much at times....this was one of those moments. Dr. Burne said he would push for friday, but it didn't look promising. Everyday that the surgery was postponed was another day spent in the hospital. A few days may not seem like much, but it is when you are living your days moment by moment. This was exhausting....running back and forth to the hospital, trying to be a mom at home and trying to be strong...and failing miserably. Having Sam's surgery postponed was like the last straw for me. I went home that night and collasped into a pudde of tears....Taylor saw me and he started to cry too. The seriousness of the situation overwelms me at times. I feel like I am in a bad dream....no a nightmare and I can't wake up. I want God to tell me that Sam is going to be alright and that he has just had a really rough start......if I had listened to my heart I would have heard that. I let my fear control me on this night and I was lost...or so I thought. Rod prayed with Taylor and me and I needed to cling to something.....that verse in the bible came to mind.....I knew you before you were born.....Jeremiah 1:5. I wanted sleep to come so I couldn't think anymore...eveything about this day depressed me. I cried out to God to help me believe.....faith and hope is what I needed......this day was a bad one....but the sun is always shining even when we can't see it.

The next morning Rod and I rushed to the hospital to find out if Sam's surgery was going to happen or not. I was able to hold him again....he looks perfect.....it was hard to believe that he was so messed up inside. Later that day they took us for a tour of the PICU....this is where Sam will be right after heart surgery. They wanted to prepare us for what we would be going through. This is where the really sick kids are. I was once again full of emmotion....there was a baby there who had just had heart surgery. His perfect little body was cut open and scarred...this was Sam's future and I lost it.
After lunch Dr Rebeyka (sam's heart surgeon) stopped by to let us know that the surgery was in fact postponed for 6 days because there are not enough beds. My heart sank and I wanted to yell at him..how can you do this..don't you know that's 6 more days that I can't hold him or take hime home ....instead my eyes welled up with tears and Dr Rebeyka walked away. I told Rod I can't do this anymore...I'm emmotionally spent. I had prayed the night before that his surgery would go ahead as planned...I beieved it.
A few minutes later Dr Rebeyka walked by us and put his hand on my shoulder and told us he would do the surgery first thing in the morning and that he couldn't stand to see a mother look at him like that. What an answer to prayer!!! The nurses later told us that the fact that Sam's surgery was scheduled to be his first one was a big deal. There was no way for it to get postponed.....a lot of times surgeries can be called off because of other things that happen during the day.
We were relieved and nervous at the same time. Sam's surgery was scheduled for Sept 1, 2000 at 7:15 a.m. We went home and brought everybody back to the hospital with us. My sister Jody and her husband Mike, my mom and of course our 3 boys. We took pictures and spent a lot of time praying over Sam and the doctors. I had a hard time leaving this night as I knew come morning everything would be different again. I fell asleep quickly, but woke up at around 3:00 a.m. and spent the rest of the night in prayer.......finally it was time to leave......