SAM IS GETTING STRONGER

Holding Sam for the first time.......tubes and all

Those first 24 hours were so difficult to live through. The minutes and hours seemed to drag as I stared at the clock praying that time would pass quickly. Time was our friend in these first few days of sam's life....he just needed to rest and get stronger...time would allow him to do that, but for me it was difficult. Even though I was not allowed to nurse Sam because he was intubated, the nurses encouraged me to begin pumping so that one day I might be able to. I began on the evening of august 25th and I did this every 4 hours for 5 weeks straight. Our freezer was so full of frozen breast milk....well it was quite a sight. I was praying that one day Sam might be able to use it.

Everyday Sam got stronger.....the doctors told me the thing about babies is that when they get sick, it can happen so quickly....within minutes....and when they get better....it's the same it can happen very quickly. This is why every hour that went by was crucial. Sam was 3 days old and they were able to take him off of the Blood pressure meds and the paralyzing meds....praise God. We still did not have a date yet of when they were going to do open heart surgery....this was always weighing heavy on my heart. I really just wanted to hold him so badly. I spent the days doing very little for him as a mother. It's very difficult to just watch your child and let someone else care for them while you wait and wonder.

It was exhausting going back and forth from the hospital...my days were spent with Sam and my evenings with the boys at home. There is no place for parents to sleep at the NICU so staying overnight is not an option. I couldn't anyway...not with 3 boys at home who were terrifed of what was happening.

Our life was so far from normal...not something I had ever imagined. The nurses were so encouraging and helpful and really were trying to reassure me that Sam was in good hands. I knew God was watching over the whole situation, but when you are someone who likes to be in control it's a really hard place to be. I remember coming home every night and going into Sam's room and sitting in the rocking chair and just crying out to God. I had never felt so helpless and useless in my entire life.

Sam had a lot of visitors over the next couple of days. We were only allowed to bring in 1 person at a time, so we did it in shifts. It was so good to have friends and family visit as it helped the time pass as we waited for news about surgery. I watched parents come and go and you really start to get an understanding of how devastating some lives become in just a matter of minutes.

Sam was able to come off of all of his meds....this is really good news as it means he is not relying on outside intervention. I was anxiously waiting for news of surgery when the nurse came and told us that we could hold him tommorrow!!! I was so excited. He still had tubes everywhere, but I was fianlly going to get to hold my baby.

It was august 29th I called the hospital to make sure we were still able to hold Sam...the answer was yes. We went bright and early and when we got there I announced that I wanted to hold my baby. I sat in a rocking chair and they placed a pillow in my lap. The nurse lifted him with tubes and all and placed him in my arms. I felt his little body for the first time and started to cry. Sam snuggled in and fell asleep and slept for the whole time. I held him for about an hour and then they had to do some stuff some stuff so I had to put him back. Sam gags on his breathing tube and it is hard to watch, but it means he is fighting it to try and breath on his own and this is a good thing.

Today was a great day...Sam was 5 days old when I got to hold him for the first time. I will never forget that....ever